Labor Day Weekend

I love 4 day weekends. Don't get me wrong, I like my job but I also enjoy being a slacker. Mom let me off a little early on Friday and I went straight home to start cleaning. My plan was to be a guilt-free slacker. After Mom got off work she came over and helped. I know she was so happy to help (so weird, I know). Anyway, we got it all done and I enjoyed it all weekend. There was a funny moment when Mom realized she bleached out my grout with her bleach/water mix. I think she got the floor clean :)

I spent Saturday at home. All day. Well until later and that's when I finally gave in and went to Mom's for the dogs. They were crazy. And then that's when I got roped in to watching Friday Night Lights (the show, not the movie). It's good. Mom and me stayed up way too late watching episode after episode before I gave up and went home.

Sunday morning was spent at church but I started a new Sunday school class. When I went to go talk to my pastor's wife last week she suggested going to our youth pastor's wife's class. I loved it. It was nice being in a smaller class and I loved what she taught on. I'm excited about going back next week. After church I went home and played some World of Warcraft until dinner time when I went to my parent's again for dinner and more Friday Night Lights. I went home and stayed up way too late playing some more WoW and regretted it with my wake up call Monday morning.

Monday the whole family wanted to go to the Matthews Festival so I had to roll outta bed and get ready. We had a great time there. Thankfully the weather was beautiful and the kids were in a good mood for the most part (I was too).

My Version of Face Paint

After a long day I went and scooped up the dogs and headed to my parent's again. I had to make a quick trip back home when someone wanted to come and buy my fish tank...emptying it wasn't too fun, but I'm soooooo glad it's gone! I ran back over to my parent's for our Labor Day cookout and of course more Friday Night Lights and WoW playing. After a long day I went home pretty early considering.... So that was pretty much it. A lot of family time and leisure time. A perfect weekend.

Late

This is the worst part of it. Late at night. This is when we'd actually get to talk or see each other on cam. This is when I feel the biggest void. Everyone else is asleep and I lay awake to wait for his phone call, except now, I just wait. Now it's just dumb because he doesn't even know my numbers, so I should be sleeping peacefully now, but the routine of it is comforting. We'd fall asleep on the phone with each other. Wake up and text. I'm not normally a "needy" person, quick to feel smothered....but I never did with him. Again, like a drug, I couldn't get enough. Tonight I was over at Mom and Dad's and Mom told me to come in her room and watch a So You Think You Can Dance special. They replayed the top routines from all of the seasons. This one touchs my heart because as Mom mentioned about drug addicts, all I could think about is how this portrayed the last month of Jared and my relationship.

Nervous

This afternoon I have an appointment to speak with my Pastor's wife. Several weeks ago Mom asked me if I would and I agreed but honestly was mad when she set it up. IDK, I think maybe having PMS + being forced into facing all of this drama out loud has me antsy. I don't even know what she's expecting or what I should say. IDK what Mom has told her but I'm curious what her point of view will be. Last week when I found out about the appointment my feelings were different even than what they are today. Last week I was still hanging on to hope of there being a Jared and me. Today, I know in my heart and head, it's over. Now it's about what do I do with my life now and where do I go from here.

Fearless - Colbie Caillat

Feeling this song today.



If that's the way you love
you've got to learn so much
If that's the way you say goodbye

And this is how it ends
And I'm alright within
Never going to see me cry
Cause I've cried

[Chorus:]
So go on, go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
there's nothing you can do to me
that's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm
fearless, fearless

So oh woh oh woh oh...

If this is how it hurts
It couldn't get much worse
If this is how it feels to fall

Then that's the way it is
We live with what we miss
We learn to build another wall
Til it falls

[Chorus:]
So go on go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
there's nothing you can do to me
that's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm
fearless, fearless

So oh woh oh woh...

If it's between love and losing
To never have known the feeling
And I'm still sad we've loved

And if I end up lonely
At least I will be there knowing
I believe in love

Go on, go on break my heart
I'll be okay
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm
fearless, fearless

Go on, go on and break my heart
I'll be okay
there's nothing you can do to me
that's ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I'm fearless
Better believe I'm fearless

So oh woh oh...

So go on and leave my love
Go on and leave my love
Go on and leave my love
Better believe I'm
fearless, fearless
Fearless, . .

Day 2

This morning I'm missing him. Well I don't know that that is really a correct statement. I'm missing the chase. Wondering if he's trying to get in touch with me. Wondering if he's trying to hack my computer. In all honesty, all of these things should scare me or bother me, but in my twisted mind it's proof that he cares. Proof that I wasn't alone in my feelings for him. I guess there's hope for me being that I recognize that all of this is twisted. I keep repeating something my Mom said to me..."two wrongs don't make a right". We used to joke that we needed to be together because we were both screwed up. I guess the difference now is that I don't want to be screwed up. I actually would love for both of us not to be screwed up but I can't help him. That's something only God can do for him. For now, it's another day, with another 24 hours distancing ourselves and hoping this gets easier a whole lot faster.

Build Up / Let Go

I haven't blogged in so long I just feel the need to let all that's in my head out. Today I changed my numbers. My house and cell. I'm officially unpublished too. I'm in the process of backing up my whole computer so that I can wipe it out and start over. The plus side of a hacker ex....all those loose ends get tied up. In other words, organizing the files on my computer is actually getting done. Honestly though, the reason I changed my numbers....I want to talk to him. I miss him. Well, I know in my head, I miss who he never was. I'm constantly telling myself that Jared died. Cause that's what it feels like. My Jared died. The "real" Jared is not one in the same. The man I never met but loved....loved God, loved me, loved my family, was kind, funny, artistic, sensitive, manly, and a million other things. The "real" Jared is manipulative, deceiving, hard hearted, unforgiving, irrational, pompous, distorted, oppressive, vulgar and just plain mean. He doesn't understand love. He doesn't understand a relationship from God's eyes. And to be blunt, he doesn't understand me. It hurts. I think back to just a few weeks ago and how happy I was. I was so happy. I haven't felt my heart smile in so long and it was nice. It was nice to plan my future and have hopes of a family. Not that I don't have them now, I just try not to think about it too much. I hesitate in case those things never coming to pass. It hurts. It hurts remembering the plans we were making and realizing they will never be. I am hanging on to the Word and it saying that God knows the desires of my heart. He knows I long to have those feelings again. To have my hopes and dreams again. Jared broke my heart and in the process took part of me with him but I refuse to let him break me. Break my trust in people. And most of all I refuse to beat myself up about all of it. I did my own wrongs, he did his, I've apologized and now it's all about moving on....Now, I just have to do it. I can't worry about what he's doing, what he's thinking, who he's with, where he's at.....I have to let that go. Gosh, it's so easy to say, it's so hard to do. Cause I do care, I wish I didn't, but for now, I do. Just like a death, it's going to take one day at a time and each day it will get easier until one day I'll be done with all of this. This will be something I look back on and realize how much I learned from all of it. So for now, I'm gonna keep letting all of this out as the emotions come and hopefully releasing all of this build up will help me let go.

A New Beginning

What better time to start over than on the 1st of a month? It's been a rough few weeks and this morning was the beginning of something new. For those who read my now deleted blog you know that I had met someone online and honestly fell head over heels in love with him, though we had never met face to face. To make a very long story short, he was a fraud and as my mother calls him, a manipulator. I was vulnerable and naive and then when I found out the truth I did my best to put my dream back together. This morning I woke up to reality. Things would never be "fixed" with him. The love I had, wasn't for him but for someone who never existed. I'm better than the drama that has been created. There is someone out there that is my reality and until I find him, I have to live in my own current reality. I can't hold on to the past or past hopes, I have to move on. I have to better myself and become a person I'm proud of. I'm not proud of who I am right now and I intend to change that. I'm a warrior and I intend to fight like I always have. So, with that, I want to thank my family for their prayers and concern, thank God for his everlasting protection and patience with me and then invite you guys to join this journey with me.