February 27, 2011 marked the end of the 40 days of Prayer and Fasting that I took apart in with the Fort Mill Church of God. Looking back now I never expected the blessing that obeying the simple command of not playing on a video game or computer for 4o days would not only give me, but my family.
The Back Story:
It all started when I was just a little girl, or at least that's what my Mom tells me. Her little girl would go out and play like a normal kid only to shortly return complaining of tiredness. Without getting into a lengthy story I'll just summarize and say we spent the next 15 years in and out of doctors with no explanation, other than blaming my severe allergies or politely calling me lazy, for the excessive tiredness I was experiencing.
At 19 years old I found myself a first time homeowner, full time worker and part time college student. I wasn't lazy. I had gone away to college for my first semester and that's when I noticed I was different than the other kids. Yes, there would be times that my friends would pull all nighters and crash the next day, but after they crashed they would be back to their "normal" selves. I, on the other hand, noticed I would never be satisfied with the amount of sleep I got. I even had people tell me that I was tired because I was receiving too much sleep.
For me the eye opening weekend was when I came home one Friday evening from work and I can still remember being so thankful that it had finally come. All I wanted to do was eat as quick as possible and then climb into bed and sleep. Well sleep I did. That weekend I was only awake for less than 10 hours. Monday evening while over at my parent's for dinner I remember telling my Mom "that's it, something IS wrong". Of course, she had come to this conclusion many years ago but I was finally seeing it for what it was. We called the doctor and made an appointment. Again, skipping some details but it lead us to a Neurologist who believed I had narcolepsy. However, 3 separate sleep studies at the hospital showed I had symptoms of a narcoleptic but that I could not be diagnosed as one. I was sent home with a stimulant prescription (Provigil) that at the time was a newer drug that they were using for narcoleptic patients but also testing on pilots and other professionals who had to stay awake for long periods of time.
My life at age 20 became a pattern of my mother repeatedly calling my home 2 hours before I had to wake up to get ready and yelling for me into my answering machine (you know, the old fashion kind that you can hear all through the house when someone is leaving a message). Some mornings I would hear it on the first ring. Most mornings it took 5-10. The worst ones took 40 or someone actually driving to my house to wake me up. The downside to taking a stimulant to wake you up is that you have to wake up to take it. Through trial and error we realized it took 2 hours for it to take affect with me. So she would call, listen for me to swallow the pills (we realized if she didn't listen I'd sometimes fall asleep with the pills still in my hand) and then call me again 2 hours later to tell me to go get ready. At that point the pills had taken effect and getting out of bed was less of a chore than before. The pills would last about 12 hours. They however didn't overpower lack of normal sleep. I couldn't get away with staying up half the night and then pop pills without feeling tired. They did however change my life as I had known it. Holidays were no longer moments of time for me to wake up long enough to get the essential "family time" in only to return to bed or the nearest couch or bed for a nap. Words of "I'm tired" came out of my mouth far less. We felt we had been given a miracle and to this day I still believe finding that medicine was. A couple years later I discovered the downside of the medicine. I had changed jobs and no longer had health insurance and realized that my miracle drug cost $10 a pill and I took 2 a day. After a lot of research and prayer I found a organization that I had to apply to that would potentially cover the cost of my medication for 1 year. I got approved 3 years in a row. The last year based on my income I was no longer eligible. That's when I took my problem to Google. I researched online and eventually came to a company that I could buy the prescription for a fraction of the cost (though still expensive). So that became my next pattern, every tax refund I would set aside the money and buy my medication for the year through this company.
So there I was in this routine of life. Now 30 years old, still having my mother call and wake me up every morning. As someone who has a natural desire to be independent this took me several years, fights and tears to come to terms with. No matter how much personal energy I put into it, I couldn't control my sleeping. My frustration would come out to my family, especially my mother. She was the one yelling at me every morning after all. Of course it was all out of love but nevertheless it effected our relationship.
The Prep Work:
Somewhere in the middle of 2010 I had a moment when I felt God tell me that this next year during our 40 days of prayer and fasting I would be fasting my video game AND my laptop. I have been a Christian since I was a little girl but to be completely honest I was like "no way God, you're going to have to come up with something else. And if you can't, I will". For several months he repeated this to me and I would shove it away. I fought it up until the day before the fast began. My Mom had asked me earlier in the day what I was going to fast and I kind of blew her off with the "I don't know" answer but God had been convicting me all more and continued to convict me all day. By that evening I broke. "FINE I'LL DO IT!!" I remember it being much like when I was younger and my Mom would tell me to do something I didn't want to do and I'd try to get my way out of it anyway I knew how and then I'd finally surrender and go do it.....but do it begrudgingly. Don't get me wrong. I wanted to make God happy, I did. I just wanted to pick the sacrifices myself. I was more for not eating dessert or not watching any TV or movies...something along those lines. But with God's still small voice He told me there was no bargaining.
The Fast:
So my 40 days began. I literally have a new sympathy for drug users. I can't explain the desire I had other than I felt like a crack addict needing a fix. I physically felt it. I'm intelligent enough to realize that if I was feeling THAT strongly about a video game and computer I obviously NEEDED to fast it. As the 40 days progressed the desire weakened. I got to the point that I could go days and be ok without playing. Mainly I missed the people in the game I would talk to but I found I was talking to God more. He began opening my eyes up and showing me things that I hadn't dealt with from my past. I think the main one was realizing the grief I had suffered when I was around 14-15 years old when my great grandmother, childhood friend, and the first guy I dated all died back to back. I've long moved forward but I never moved forward from the fear. Fear that at any moment I could lose someone else I loved. I think this is where my need to control things began.
Right after the fast began I sent my laptop away to be serviced and that made the fast that much easier. What I realized though is that it was more than the physical computer and game I was dealing with. This truly was a mental and spiritual battle. Day 17 I remember pulling into my parking space at home and looking at my front door and seeing the Fedex tag and mentally moaning. The computer was back and I'd need to go pick it up. I had to dismiss thoughts of just having Fedex babysit the computer for another 20 days so I made it a point to pick it up the next day and then drop it off at my parent's to have my Dad go ahead and wipe it out and list it to sell. Let's just say things didn't go as planned and I failed this test. I ended up breaking my fast and was convicted about it so I handed my computer over to my sister the following day for the remainder of the fast.
What breaking the fast did for me was to put a new perspective on it. I was finally doing the fast out of obedience, not guilt. I had a new desire to change, which was an answer to the prayer that I had been praying since Day 1, "Lord, change the desires of my heart". And I think at this point God wanted to show me how He could answer more than just that prayer.
The Cool Stuff:
Hindsight is 20/20. Well these are some really cool things that happened and I didn't know about them until the day 39 of the fast. This is the stuff that leaves me in awe. It's the kind of stuff that makes me stop and realize how God really is in control of it all and even if I can't see the big picture, it's ok, He's got it.
So I've been racking my brain trying to figure out how best to show how all of this fell into place and I think making this timeline will help. Below I am going to explain Amy's dream (well I'll explain the first one and then the second is explained in the email she sent me on day 39/40)
Day 17/40: Laptop returned
Day 18/40: Gave laptop to Amy
Day 25/40: Amy has "rude" dream
Day 28/40: Mom fasts water only
Day 29/40: Mom fasts water only
Day 29/40: Amy has "crocodile" dream
Day 30/40: Amy starts the Daniel Fast
Day 32/40: First morning I wake up early
Day 32/40: First day of diet
Day 33/40: Wake up early
Day 34/40: Wake up early
Day 35/40: Wake up early
Day 36/40: Wake up early
Day 37/40: Wake up early
Day 38/40: Wake up early and decide to cut back to 1 pill
Day 39/40: Amy's last day of the Daniel Fast
Day 39/40: Amy sends me an email about what God's been doing
Day 39/40: Wake up early and decide to take 1 pill again
Day 40/40: Wake up early and hear God tell me not to take any pills
Day 40/40: The last time I ever took another pill. It's been 364 Days with NO PILLS!
Amy's 1st Dream / aka "Rude" Dream:
I wish I had kept what the exact dream was but all in all it was a dream that my family was standing in a line somewhere and I came and cut in that line. My sister was mad at me for cutting and thought I was rude for cutting. When Amy told me the dream I knew immediately what it was about. My actions at that time were really affecting my family. My game playing had gotten out of control. I was even bringing my laptop to my niece's birthday parties and playing instead of joining in the family celebration.
Amy's Email (also talking about second dream):
So today is my last day of the fast and I wanted to let you know what God has told me through this.
First off, I started this for you because of a dream. I was awoken last Thursday morning at 5:30 am with this. In the dream Mom and I were in a house. I was standing in front of a back door which led out to a swamp. Mom was at the end of the house. I saw a crocodile coming after Sadie outside and was yelling at Mom to "Get Sadie, get Sadie!" She wouldn't listen to me for a few seconds and then jumped to go outside to get her. When I looked outside, I saw you going towards Sadie to save her. Then Dad came behind you to try to save you and so did Mom. Dad grabbed Mom and tried to push her in the house to me to save her. But I grabbed a camera and was taking a picture of you and Dad struggling to get Sadie.
What does that all mean? To me, the crocodile is Satan. Sadie is not Sadie, but your heart--those things you love. And you are willing to sacrifice yourself for the things you love to Satan. Mom and Dad are trying to save you but I have been on the outskirts letting them handle it. It was time for me to do something. As I said to you (I think), I was debating the Daniel Fast/sugar detox for my own health but God clearly said I was to do it as a fast for you. This was my thing "to do".
So during prayer these are the things I've seen:
Satan is here to kill, steal and destroy. You are God's child but he is stealing your time from God with your game. I feel that it is a stronghold in your life and I prayed over your laptop on Tuesday afternoon. I can not explain what I felt when I touched your laptop. Something came over me. But later that day I feel that God said you are released from that stronghold if you want to be. He will never force you to choose Him but if you want to walk away, you can. You are released. It is your choice and you must be the one to do that.
I am not 100% on this one but I believe the 3 days that I began the fast is when I was dying to my desires but on the 3rd day, I believe on Sunday, is when you started waking up early and that is when you "came alive". I have not been told whether all this waking up is a forever thing or will only last while I fast but that is a picture that was brought to my head. I pray it is ongoing.
I feel part of this was me making a sacrifice in eating and amazingly aligned with when you started your diet. I have prayed that as I sacrificed, He would give you the strength to sacrifice as well.
All that to say I love you and God is working, you just need to submit to Him and yes, submit to Mom in some ways. You have been bucking everything she (and He) says and you have to realize how wise she is and how much she wants the best for you. Thank God we have parents that don't give up on us. I'm not giving up either and can't wait to see what else He does.
I've already told Mom many of these things, I just feel released to tell you about them today.
Amy
One Year Later:
I can say the couple weeks after that Day 40/40 proved to be interesting. Each day was a "tip-toe" wondering if tomorrow my life would go back to the way it had been. I went through a season of worry that if I sinned that I would have my healing taken away. I was fearful anytime I felt tired never having experienced a "normal" day of energy. I finally came to a point that I just decided that I was just going to BELIEVE. I'm sitting here thinking "I still don't know why you chose ME God" and I don't. Trust me when I say I know I wasn't healed because I deserved it. I do however know that because He healed me, I will give Him and only Him ALL of the Glory. My eyes are welling up with tears thinking how much my life has changed in just 364 days. I wish some of you could have known me before just so you could see how different things are. It true is amazing. I think one of the coolest things is that I go to sleep with my blind open because I can actually wake up to the sun light now (who knew that really worked?!). Most importantly though this healing has showed me what obedience to God can do for your life! He made the verse Jeremiah 29:11 ring true. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." And he did, he gave me hope and hope for my future.
PS. I also wanted to mention about the video game because to be honest, I did go back to playing and I felt horrible every time I did play. I would try justifying that I wasn't doing anything wrong. Playing this game wasn't a sin but I knew in my spirit that I serve a jealous God and that I was spending more time playing that game than I was giving to reading my Bible, praying and telling others about Jesus. I truly believe God sent a friend into my life and he held my hand in the process and I can say it's been 4 months since I've logged on and it is something I am so glad I'm free of but I can also say it's something that I do still miss. I know it's something I can't entertain or I will be right back into that habit.
PS. I also wanted to mention about the video game because to be honest, I did go back to playing and I felt horrible every time I did play. I would try justifying that I wasn't doing anything wrong. Playing this game wasn't a sin but I knew in my spirit that I serve a jealous God and that I was spending more time playing that game than I was giving to reading my Bible, praying and telling others about Jesus. I truly believe God sent a friend into my life and he held my hand in the process and I can say it's been 4 months since I've logged on and it is something I am so glad I'm free of but I can also say it's something that I do still miss. I know it's something I can't entertain or I will be right back into that habit.
