5/40 40 Days of Prayer & Fasting

As I stare at my monitor I don't even know where to begin. I would have described today as a typical day for the most part. At one point I had to stop work and say a prayer to help me get through the urge of using my phone for texting since that is what I'm fasting for the 40 Days but all in all, nothing was out of the ordinary. I got off of work and headed to Mom & Dad's to pick up Sadie and to grab a quick bite to eat before church. At the dinner table I got a call from my friend, Mary Pat, making sure I was coming and that I knew to look for her when I got there. I slid in beside her at about 7:10, you know me, never on time. Pastor began speaking about being careful of the vows and promises we make. Some of those decisions when made in quick response can be things that last with you for a lifetime. I'll be honest, I really wasn't feeling God pinpointing something specific in my life while he was talking. We moved into a time of prayer and I have been writing my prayers down in a notebook this year. I think when I'm given a longer period of time writing my prayers makes me less "wandering" in my thoughts. Anyhow, I spent the next 15-20 mins praying for several people and situations. This 40 Days I really felt like God wanted me to spend my time praying for other's needs versus my own needs. Maybe part of that is I feel like my physical healing that I got last year was such a blessing, I really feel almost guilty for asking for more. There are so many people who have needs greater than mine that I'd rather them get a miracle. But tonight I started out praying for myself and at one point I even gave myself a little talk on how I should be praying for others but talked back to myself (because yes, I am crazy) and said, it's ok to let some of this stuff out, you just need to vent some. I began thanking God for giving me strength earlier in the day when I felt my self control fading fast and the desires of my flesh beginning to win. I prayed for Him to change the desires of my heart. For the things that I want but aren't of Him to be changed. I also prayed "break the chains of bondage, In Jesus name!"

I guess we've all made mistakes. I tell myself that all the time. I'm not the only one who has done stupid stuff. I made my mistake when I was 16 and every day since I have regretted it. But it wasn't just that day. I made the same mistake over and over through the years and that I think is what makes me feel like what I've done is so unforgivable. If I was really sorry for what I had done wouldn't I have "turned from my wicked ways" and never returned. Somehow, I found myself in that same situation, making that same mistake and feeling just as guilty and just as unclean and sorry as the first time. I'd cry, I'd get mad, I'd try to ignore it...

This past year I joined our single's group in a Beth Moore study called "Breaking Free". There was one point in her video that she said "do you find you have a sin that you commit and in your head you're thinking 'I don't want to do this, why am I doing this, I hate myself for this', well this study is going to show you how you're in bondage." It's then that I felt God begin something in me.

Sorry, back to tonight's events...Pastor was back in front of the sanctuary and you could see by his body language the burden he had. He wanted to listen to God and do what he felt God wanted him to do. He said he was wrestling on how to close the end of the prayer time when a man gave him a prayer card and felt the pastor himself should pray over it. He commented on the beautiful handwriting on the card. At this, he had my attention because honestly, I've been told I have pretty handwriting before and I knew I had taken my time writing out my request. I held my breath waiting for him to say it was written in green ink but he didn't, so I thought I was in the clear.....And then he began reading it. My breath caught and tears began to well up in my eyes. I kept wiping them and willing them away but they wouldn't quit. The prayer request was for me to finally be free of my past mistakes, to finally forgive myself. He went to his Bible and read from Luke 13. It's about a woman who had been crippled by a spirit for 18 years and Jesus said to her "Woman, you are set free from your infirmity"...she was immediately healed. He then ask if the person who wrote the prayer card was present. I raised my hand...He asked me to come up front. And right then and there I believe with all of my heart God broke the chains of bondage and healed me. All I could say is "thank you Jesus", I had no other thoughts come through my mind. Service was over and I found my way back to my seat where I had people hugging me and telling me how that very prayer request was something they too could have written and let me know if I needed anything to please tell them. At that point I honestly felt like I was drugged on some kind of medication. Everything felt so hazy and dreamlike. I made my way to my parents and I think they were in as much shock as I was. I drove home and literally found myself in a hot bubble bath staring at the knob for the water wondering what in the world had just happened. I'm still wondering what happened, yet I know without a doubt. God amazes me. Someone like me who deserves His forgiveness and grace the least, He continues to bless. It makes no.sense. But I'm thankful and I give Him all the glory because it's definitely not because of anything I've done. ....and people wonder why I'm a Jesus Freak....if they only knew.