Build Up / Let Go

I haven't blogged in so long I just feel the need to let all that's in my head out. Today I changed my numbers. My house and cell. I'm officially unpublished too. I'm in the process of backing up my whole computer so that I can wipe it out and start over. The plus side of a hacker ex....all those loose ends get tied up. In other words, organizing the files on my computer is actually getting done. Honestly though, the reason I changed my numbers....I want to talk to him. I miss him. Well, I know in my head, I miss who he never was. I'm constantly telling myself that Jared died. Cause that's what it feels like. My Jared died. The "real" Jared is not one in the same. The man I never met but loved....loved God, loved me, loved my family, was kind, funny, artistic, sensitive, manly, and a million other things. The "real" Jared is manipulative, deceiving, hard hearted, unforgiving, irrational, pompous, distorted, oppressive, vulgar and just plain mean. He doesn't understand love. He doesn't understand a relationship from God's eyes. And to be blunt, he doesn't understand me. It hurts. I think back to just a few weeks ago and how happy I was. I was so happy. I haven't felt my heart smile in so long and it was nice. It was nice to plan my future and have hopes of a family. Not that I don't have them now, I just try not to think about it too much. I hesitate in case those things never coming to pass. It hurts. It hurts remembering the plans we were making and realizing they will never be. I am hanging on to the Word and it saying that God knows the desires of my heart. He knows I long to have those feelings again. To have my hopes and dreams again. Jared broke my heart and in the process took part of me with him but I refuse to let him break me. Break my trust in people. And most of all I refuse to beat myself up about all of it. I did my own wrongs, he did his, I've apologized and now it's all about moving on....Now, I just have to do it. I can't worry about what he's doing, what he's thinking, who he's with, where he's at.....I have to let that go. Gosh, it's so easy to say, it's so hard to do. Cause I do care, I wish I didn't, but for now, I do. Just like a death, it's going to take one day at a time and each day it will get easier until one day I'll be done with all of this. This will be something I look back on and realize how much I learned from all of it. So for now, I'm gonna keep letting all of this out as the emotions come and hopefully releasing all of this build up will help me let go.